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Eddie Izzard- Death Star Canteen

A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife asked the man, “Do you live here?”

“No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!” he answered.

The husband asked, “Are you a genie?”

“Oh, why, yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself,” the man replied.

The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded his head and said, “Done!”

The genie now said, “For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire.”

The husband and wife agreed.

After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, “How long have you been married?”

To which she responded, “Three years.”

The genie then asked, “How old is your husband?”

To which she replied, “31 years old.”

The genie then asked, “And how long has he believed in this genie crap?”

Technorati Tags: golf, genie, joke

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The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Technorati Tags: humor

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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Just trying to make sure I have something “occasionally funny” for you - more below…

read more | digg story

Does this have anything to do with the 2007 Thirty Day Challenge? -

Not really - although at various times I do find myself getting frustrated and wanting to cuss. I’m doing the work at home - sometimes when the kids are still up, so I did a little research at wikiquote.org and compiled a short list of my family friendly favorites…just in case

I like the SpongeBob philosophy on cuss words:

–They’re fine sentence enhancers. But, use cautiously. At least I can say most of these in front of my kids…

• “Oh, Barnacles,”
• “Barnacle head,”
• “Dirty Barnacles,”
• “Tartar Sauce,”
• “Aw, Tartar Sauce,”
• “Holy Shrimp,”
• “Holy Guacamole,”
• “Krabby Patty,”
• “Fish Paste,”
• “Holy Fish Paste,”
• “You senile bag of fish paste,”
• “Mother of Pearl,”
• “What the halibut?”
• “What the devilfish?”
• “Prince of Neptune,”
• “POOP - People Order Our Patties,”
• “Picklefishlips,”

Some choice insults:

• “If I knew that guy, I’d have a few choice words for him. Like ‘You’, and ‘are’, and ‘a jerk’!”
• “Shut your half-wit pieholes!”
• SpongeBob (imitating Squidward): “Everyone’s an idiot except for me.”
• “Thanks but no thanks Major Stupidity. You and General Nonsense over there will have to fight without me!”
• “You guys are lame…you’re nerds, geeks, creeps, and babies!”
• “You pretentious little insignificant artist. Your sniveling creations are worth less than a protozoan’s waste.”

About Money and Time Management

• “Time is money, and if you boys is wasting time, then you’re wasting money!…And that’s just SICK!”
• (doing a crossword puzzle) “Let’s see…a five-letter word for ‘happiness’…’Money’.”

Sarcasm:

• “And maybe scallops’ll fly out of me pants!”

I hope these give you a good laugh, who knows - maybe you’ll find yourself using a few…

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Technorati Tags: Spongebob, squarepants, cuss, insult, quotes, sayings